How to win more as a couple: Going to therapy while in a relationship
Most people think going to therapy while in a relationship is only for times when there are problems.
That’s not the reality; many of our clients come to therapy to help their relationship with themselves and each other before those problems start.
They notice themselves getting terse with each other for no reason.
Or they’re seeing issues from old relationships or childhood coming up.
Some worry that long-term trust issues might ruin another relationship, even though there are no signs of that happening.
And still other clients want to learn relationship skills before problems start.
Reasons to go to therapy while in a relationship
There is this idea that therapy is for when things aren’t working. That it’s only important in a crisis when you can’t get out of bed or when your relationship is having major issues.
Yes, individual therapy or couples counseling can be helpful during those times when you’ve just started antidepressants or found out your partner has been cheating. But that isn’t all that therapy is for.
Marriage counseling isn’t just for romantic relationships who’re having relationship challenges. Some people find that going to counseling in the early stages builds a strong foundation with their loved one.
It also builds greater relationship satisfaction.
Individual therapy can also be used for personal growth, to build healthy relationships, navigate transitions, and deepen self-awareness.
Here are some reasons why people go to therapy while in a relationship:
- Clarifying values
- Building on an already healthy relationship
- Strengthening intimacy and emotional connection
- Getting through changes like a move or a career change
- Learning communication skills and conflict management
- Exploring core beliefs and how they affect your relationship
- Growing your relationship and figuring out individual concerns
Both individual therapy and couples counseling can support healthy relationships in different ways, and you don’t have to choose just one.
What does therapy look like when you’re in a relationship?
When you’re in a relationship, going to both individual and/or couples therapy can be helpful. They allow you to work on different parts of yourself, both in and out of your current relationship.
Let’s talk about how each type of therapy helps you grow and change.
Individual therapy when you are in a relationship
Individual therapy helps you grow, which increases long-term relationship satisfaction.
It creates a safe space free of judgment to explore deep beliefs and negative events from childhood.
You’re able to look at your personal patterns and values. This allows you to be more genuinely yourself both in and out of your current relationship.
Individual therapy allows you to work on internal issues that might impact your relationship.
Individual counseling gives you space to talk over difficult conversations, your needs, and desires, before you discuss them with your partner. This helps you to communicate more intentionally and clearly.
For example, Sarah notices she shuts down whenever money comes up with her partner. In individual therapy she learns that due to financial insecurity as a child, she learned that talking about money resulted in fighting and so is to be avoided at all costs. With her individual therapist, she recognizes other triggers around these memories and decreases her fears by learning ways to cope with her anxiety and rehearsing these conversations with her therapist.
Couples Therapy
There are many ways to grow in couples therapy, even when you’re in a healthy relationship. You can grow your intimacy by starting couples therapy before relationship issues start.
Some things you’ll work on are emotional intimacy, relationship patterns, and communication skills. You’ll be able to do this in real time with your partner. You’ll also examine your deep beliefs that impact the way you think about your relationship.
It helps the two of you support each other through big life changes.
For example, Bill and Jen came to therapy to strengthen their relationship. In couples counseling, they identify that they would like to improve their connection. They work together on “turning towards” each other and putting down their devices. They learn to build time to connect into their day, and they practice these with their therapist before they use them at home.
How do both types of therapy improve your relationship
Individual therapy and couples counseling are helpful for personal growth, and for your relationship
Individual therapy supports your relationship
When you are in individual therapy, you spend a lot of time looking inward. This helps you be more present, increases self-awareness, and internal understanding.
This helps you communicate better with your partner.
Working through your unresolved issues and past traumas helps prevent past trust issues that may have created emotional distance in the past. You’re learning to work through your own personal communication issues so that you can engage with your partner in healthier ways.
Working with a therapist one-on-one allows you to develop cognitive flexibility and coping skills, which, in turn, decreases anger and reactivity.
When one of you is growing and becoming healthier, it invites the same from your partner. You’re coming from a more balanced place, and this allows you to start exploring patterns and work on connecting on a deeper level.
Take Sarah from above, she has learned to recognize her money anxiety and has learned ways to cope with it. Her partner has recognized the changes, and they are fighting less regarding money. Sarah has been able to utilize the coping skills she has learned in other situations that trigger her anxiety, and the two are fighting a lot less often and feeling closer.
How couples therapy strengthens your relationship
Even when everything is going well, couples counseling can help your long-term relationship. It helps you to build more common ground and healthier relationship dynamics.
It allows you to develop a deeper friendship, which helps you to stay together longer.
Couples counseling increases the couple's ability to navigate relationship problems.
In relationship counseling, when you are doing well, the couples therapist will help you learn skills that will make the two of you a stronger couple.
You’ll focus on looking at your relationship patterns, but also working on skills like communication techniques, conflict resolution skills, and prioritizing quality time together.
Couples therapy helps to build a strong foundation so that when there is trouble, the two of you can work through it, keeping your relationship strong.
Ben and Jill have built a stronger connection and friendship in couples therapy. This allows the two of them to navigate moving to another state without fighting. They are able to use the communication skills that they learned to work together on the project and process feelings together about the big change.
How couples therapy and individual therapy work together
Maintaining even the best of relationships is hard work. Adding the benefits of couples therapy and individual therapy will increase relationship satisfaction.
In individual therapy, you’ll learn coping strategies and process past traumas. In couples therapy, you’ll learn to recognize when and how to apply those strategies and recognize when those past traumas are impacting your relationship.
They work together to increase personal growth and strengthen the relationship at the same time.
Jessie has been working with an individual therapist on processing the trauma she experienced in childhood. She and her partner have been in couples therapy, working on communication and conflict management. When Jessie feels unsure of her partner's care for her, she uses the grounding techniques that she is learning in individual therapy to help herself stay calm. She then is able to use her newly learned communication skills to talk to her partner about how she is feeling.
What option is right for you and your partner
At this point, you might be wondering which option is best for you and your relationship. Especially if it feels like you can only do one at a time.
Do you work on yourself and then work on your relationship, or work on your relationship and then work on yourself? Neither one is the better path; they really do serve different purposes.
If needed, you can start with one and then add the other later or switch from one to the other.
A quick note, if there are any red flags of a relationship that is heading in the wrong direction, or either of you is experiencing substance abuse, this is the time to start with individual therapy.
Finding a therapist
If you are ready to start individual or couples therapy, or you want to talk to a licensed therapist about which type of therapy might be the most helpful to you and your partner.
Therapy is a powerful tool to keep your relationship happy and healthy. Our therapists Giselle and Polina do both individual and couples therapy, using the Gottman Method, ACT, and Schema therapy. We can help you develop a relationship that you are happy with.
If you are ready to start going to therapy while you are in a relationship, contact us to schedule an initial consultation.
