How to Start A Serious Conversation About Your Relationship

You’ve been avoiding your partner for a while, trying to figure out how to start a serious conversation about your relationship. It’s been on your mind for a long time.

You’re really struggling with how to bring it up. It’s going to be uncomfortable. You’re afraid things will change, and not in the way that you’re hoping.

On top of that, you just don’t know how to start. How do you keep this conversation from becoming a huge mess where both of you get hurt?

You aren’t comfortable with difficult conversations, and you’re scared you’ll be mad at each other.

How to start a serious conversation about your relationship and why we avoid it

If it were easy to have this type of conversation, it would have already happened. But serious relationship conversations are hard.

First, these important conversations are vulnerable for at least one partner. But often for both partners in the relationship.

For many people, talking about their needs makes them open to being hurt. And for the partner, it can be hard to learn that something isn’t working for your loved one.

There is fear about hurting the partner’s feelings or making them feel criticized. So many people avoid talking about their own needs to save their partner's feelings.

Serious conversations often result in change, whether it’s for the better or worse. Even if a person isn’t happy with the status quo, the fear that it will get worse can prevent tough conversations from being brought up.

Sometimes a person avoids a conversation out of fear of what will happen. Often, those fears are worse than the reality. Even if the issue is a deal breaker. It’s better to have a conversation than sit back and worry about it even a little bit.

No matter how scary a topic and how big your communication issues are, having these tough conversations the right way helps to deepen your relationship and help you find some common ground.

Why it’s important to have hard conversations anyway

Listening to that internal voice telling you to avoid tough conversations creates distance between you and your loved one, and that can last a long time.

If you have a long-term relationship, these meaningful conversations are really important. Healthy communication is one of the keys to a healthy relationship.

When there are unresolved issues or concerns between you and your significant other, you are less connected and less vulnerable with your partner. This lowers the level of emotional intimacy the two of you will feel together.

When you aren’t speaking up for yourself, you feel unsafe and unseen in your relationship.

This can result in long-term marriage problems. If you’re already there, couples therapy can help.

Not discussing these serious topics allows resentment to build between the two of you. This isn’t fair because your partner doesn’t know that anything is wrong.

Avoiding these serious relationship talks creates more distance than the conversation that you are avoiding.

Remember, if you are invested in this long-term relationship and want it to continue, you have to have these serious talks. Since avoiding these conversations creates distance that slowly erodes the relationship.

These serious conversations, when done the right way, actually help build the bond between the two of you.

Also, if you don’t talk about what’s going on, you don’t give your partner a chance to address the issue.

So now that you know why you need to have the conversation, let’s start talking about how to have the conversation.

Pick the Right Time

The first step to having a serious relationship conversation in a healthy relationship is paying attention to the timing. You don’t want to have this conversation just whenever, like right before bed or when you’re getting ready for work.

Make sure that both of you are well-rested, have eaten, and are in a relatively good mood. You want to pay attention to this because when you’re hungry or tired, it’s hard to stay regulated.

Make sure that neither of you is stressed about something else. The best time is when you are no longer angry about whatever triggered the topic you are bringing up.

You want to be calm enough to approach your partner with curiosity rather than anger or just venting.

Both of you need to have the energy for the tough conversation that you are going to have. Not just physical energy but mental energy as well.

You also want to make sure your partner isn’t busy and is available to have the conversation, letting them know it might not be a quick one.

It’s a good idea to ask your partner if now is a good time, and give them other options if needed.

A good example of how to bring it up might sound like; “Hey, is now a good time to talk? I had something on my mind. If now doesn’t work what about tonight after dinner?”

How to have hard conversations

First thing, sit down with your partner where you can make eye contact, that way you can both see each other's facial expressions while you have this heart-to-heart.

When you actually start the conversation, focus on your own experience, use words like “I feel”. Try to avoid “you always”, “you never”, and “you make”. Use your communication skills to talk about what you want more of instead of what you’re missing.

When you’re upset, it’s tempting to bring out everything that you have ever been angry about. For some reason, when we are upset, we start thinking about all the other times we were mad to fuel the fire.

Focus on the conversation at hand and don’t get sidetracked by new topics to fight about.

Start by being vulnerable and sharing how it affects you emotionally. This approach invites connection instead of defensiveness.

This helps you to communicate what is going on and helps your partner understand and hear what you’re saying.

During the conversation, focus on what you are looking for more of instead of what you aren’t getting. If you are clear about what your partner can do, it makes it easier to hear.

No matter how careful you are, serious conversations can get stressful, and you or your partner may become upset. If this is the case, it’s time to take a break.

Take a break if needed

When you’re overwhelmed, angry, or stressed, your body gets flooded with stress hormones.

When this happens, the logical, reasonable part of your brain doesn’t work. Your brain goes into fight or flight mode, where it’s impossible to have a productive conversation.

The best way to handle it when your body becomes flooded during a hard conversation is to take a break and allow yourself to calm down.

To do that, it’s important to recognize when either of you are flooded. Here are some signs:

• Shaking
• Tense body
• Raised heartrate
• Shallow breathing
• Pressure or weight on your chest
• Quiet or having a hard time responding

When you decide based on body language, you need to take a break. How do you do it in a way that doesn’t make things worse?

Ground rules for taking a break

Use your break time to help calm your body down. To make sure you are creating space for this to happen, here are some ideas for rules around the breaks that you take.

When you are talking about a difficult topic, and you need a break, tell your partner when you are coming back from the break. The break should be at least 20-30 minutes long and should not be longer than 24 hours.

Set a time when you will come back. This shows that the conversation is about important things, that you will discuss them later, and the topic won’t be forgotten.

When you take a break, it’s tempting to focus on the disagreement you are having and continue to argue with your partner in your head. But this break is to help you calm down, so instead, find a calming activity.

The goal is for you to come back to the tough conversation with both of you feeling calmer at a later time.

When you return, it is helpful to start with what Gottman (A leading researcher and educator on healthy relationships) calls a repair attempt. This is an interaction that makes you feel better towards your partner instead of angrier. Some examples are, “Can we try again?” or “I want to understand what you are thinking”.

It’s important that both of you are ready to re-engage in the conversation.

So we’ve talked about how to communicate, the next step is learning how to listen to your partner’s point of view.

How to listen so your partner feels heard

Once you have said your piece, it’s time to listen to what your partner has to say. Relationships are about both partners, and you have to hear both sides to find a compromise.

It’s important to have an open mind when you are having a tough conversation.

Create space for your partner's side of the story. You can help them share by approaching the topic from a place of curiosity.

Instead of making comments about what you think is going on, ask them open-ended questions. This allows you to learn what is going on with him. It also helps them feel like you care.

After your partner is done sharing, start by repeating back what you heard them say in your own words. This allows you to make sure you understand them. It also helps them feel important and understood.

Try to pay attention as well so that you can hear your own role in the issue. Part of developing emotional intimacy in a healthy marriage and other relationships is understanding what relationship-challenges are yours.

You and your partner are a team with the common goal of effective communication. Being able to hear each other and be heard. You are not on opposing sides, and no one wins.

So when you are listening, try to focus on understanding, not on being right.

Listening is a big part of having that open communication we are all looking for in a relationship.

What to do after a tough relationship conversation

Once the two of you have gotten through the conversation, this may just look like each of you feeling heard, even if nothing is settled, it’s time to reconnect.

Spend some time together doing something you enjoy, and that brings the two of you closer. Try to enjoy the time together and avoid hard conversations in order to help both of you reconnect.

If you realize that you are still feeling stressed or frustrated about the conversation, it might be important to do some of the same activities that you used when you took a break.

Don’t let your brain go over and over the conversation you had earlier.

Once you are feeling calm, go enjoy some time with your partner.

How to get help if you need it

Hard conversations are really important for the happiness of both partners in your relationship. When you are feeling stuck, remember that starting is often the hardest part, and the fear makes it feel worse than it is.

Approaching the conversation with care and curiosity will make all the difference in the world. If your partner knows you are interested in their side of the story, it starts things off right.

After putting all this effort in, you and your partner may still struggle with these serious conversations. When this happens, it is a good idea to seek out the help of a professional family therapist through couples therapy or another relationship expert.

When you’re looking for help in how to start a serious conversation about your relationship, reach out to Comfort In Mind. As Gottman and Schema-trained therapists, we can give you the framework you need to manage serious conversations and help you go deeper and become more connected.